Post vacation blues

Slowly the system takes you back into the cloistered spaces where empty minds anxiously wait for you to ratify their darned ignorance and their stagnant presence . Yes I am a teacher by choice but am I really teaching or am I generating a pseudo-image of an identity I don't quite relate myself to but allow it to continue haunting me so that my world remains as fractured as it has always been

when i almost kissed the impatient earth goodbye...

A gushing black wind full of strange images rushed towards me and then i woke up with a not too strange question...

Morning's a strange time. The enthusiasm of getting ready for a fresh week is,with every single passing moment, dampened by the knowledge of the futility and the inevitability of such misplaced notions and labels...

So it was, that inevitable Monday morning, with vague recollections of a weekend being overwhelmed by the tired sigh of another half formed query. Black tea and half a dozen criss-crossing neuron journeys later, the rigmarole of welcoming a 'jolly good' day began....

The shades on, the breeze and thoughts of a hearty breakfast in my favourite haunt, my accelerator led me on to a hundred metres to the inevitable turning when all of a sudden...

...a gushing black wind full of strange images rushed towards me and then I woke up with a not too strange question...

..."Where am I?"

The crowd surrounding a half-dazed, half-conscious 'body' which a few moments ago was considered just that, the wailing siren of a hungry ambulance, me getting sucked into it on a steel tray they call strtcher, the onward journey to the hospital with siren overwhelming my pathetic moans, the slow ascent to the "special" room where beyond the door lay a host of co-sufferers....Dante?

X rays tests a couple of stitches on the head and two days later with the injury on my head still pounding like a crazy African drum I am back home writing this...and even I don't have even the vaguest recall of what happened except for second hand accounts!

Cogito Ergo Sum? Now what was I thinking about? Sorry I don't remember...

beyond the front door

yesterday the residents of a neighbouring house were trying to gain entrance through the reluctant entrance door which refused to budge...a few heroic attempts, a few frantic calls, a few curse words later the door understood the conundrum and decided to be mollified...i remembered my own experience of coming back in the middle of the night after a late night show and finding that i didn't have the key, had to resort to breaking open the lock...thankfully these were not central locks like today....the flat mates would come out probably thanking me for some kind of entertainment or worse cursing me for tickling them out of their sleep or most probably listening to the banging as a kind of violent pseudo-coital gesture on my part...me being a bachelor and all that....

now having broke open my own front door what would i have found...the same emptiness that suffused a sense of self belief i never found once i stepped out of my flat...the same ennui of having to wait for and take the same bus that inevitably would drop into the ocean of morons they refer to as university,the tea that never energises, the talk that borders on intellectual parody, the dusty library that envelops one's senses with a soporific bliss...

a decade has passed since i left university with a research degree and since then never lost my key to my house...what do i return to with such great monotonous relish then? the emptiness still prevails but it has become more meaningful...it matches the vacuity within....!

veni, vidi...yet...

inhale and don't worry too much about exhaling...you are not giving anything substantial back to the world. the obnoxious mixture of thoughts that one lets out to the indifferent world are best buried deep in one's unconscious. but silence is not our strength. it's an overpowering burden that finally leads us to the verbal gallows and ultimate death of our real self...since when did language lead us out of ourselves and into the reluctant arms of the waiting world...?

after a period of silence i have woken up again to the possibility of letting go of myself from time to time...if you wish to call this creativity, it is your own ignorance you display...this is but a display of my own naked self...if you are willing enough voyeuristic participants in this narcissistic orgy....welcome....if not you have a plethora of options...

you could begin by switching off your neuron activity for a while...

regards
c